Won't You Light My Candle?

How come it seems like the shitty things always dominate the lovely things?

We have this silly deck of "conversation cards" - just barely a step up from "conversation hearts" (aka candy hearts) - and periodically if we're hanging out for a night & not actively engaged we'll flip a card & see what discussion it prompts. A month ago or so my husband got a card that asked "Which is stronger: Love or Hate?" His answer surprised me - "hate," he said.

At first I flipped out (inside only, of course) when I realized that I'd married a hateful and cynical man-who-didn't-really-believe-in-the-power-of-love-and-obviously-didn't-really-love-me-and-
he-probably-didn't-even-love-God-or-really-care-about-anything-at-all....

So, like any sane person would in my situation (being married to a toxic man full of hate as I clearly am), I looked up at him and said kindly - as I've been taught through multiple intentional listening workshops & seminars - "I hear you saying that you think hate is stronger than love. Is there more?"

Of course there was more.

Look at the world. Look at how many people act destructively because of hate. How much hate does it take to fight with a person? How much love does it take to overcome it? Look at all the wars & violence and the way we objectify people who are somehow "other" than ourselves. The lovers of the world have, and have always had, an uphill battle.

I haven't been online much in about a week. During that week, a lot happened (or was realized) in the lives of many friends. When I visited all my bookmarked blogs, I read over & again the same message: "Life is hard, I'm struggling, and it's easy to forget that God's present, capable & willing to be with me in this. Yet I'm practicing living my faith by re-learning how to trust God and accept grace."

So my initial question again, framed slightly differently: Why is it often so easy to see & feel & focus on the negative energies surrounding us, and so difficult to see & feel & focus on the positive energies surrounding us? Why is it always a "slippery slope" into bad things, and an uphill one-step-at-a-time climb for the good? Why does evil so effectively poison the faithful?

I had the opportunity to see my sister while I was up in western Washington state this past weekend. She told me about how their home had been broken into a few weeks ago while no one was home, and some things were stolen. As she spoke with me about it, she seemed impressively matter-of-fact, and not fearful. She said that she & her husband really see this as an imposition of the devil in their lives. Recognizing the devil's plan to instill fear and to make them feel unsafe, she said that their response instead is to firmly trust in God instead of allowing fear to take over.

This response amazed & impressed me. Like my friend Amy who prayed, regarding the Virginia Tech shootings, that GREAT beauty will be multiplied from the great tragedy.

When we first moved here to Silver City, we partially used our new locale as an escape from our Christian cultures and we welcomed the opportunity to disengage from our disillusionment. Most of our friends the first year or two were pagan, and we reveled in this new way to engage the Divine. Paganism & Goddess worship are so full of beauty & love...there was no talk of sin or evil or the devil. I loved it. I remember thinking that pagans are the only ones who really have it right - and when I researched Wicca I learned that Wiccans distinctly claim acceptance of all religious paths.

Then I started realizing that even pagans are victims of evil. They generally call it "negative energy," and sometimes I think that's better language than the Christian language of evil/Satan. Just because Christians have language and a personification of evil it doesn't mean they necessarily focus more on it than any others.

A little over a year ago I began to re-engage the Divine through the person of Jesus. About half as long ago I realized that it would be inaccurate to call myself anything but Christian. My heart & soul respond to Jesus, and there is hope & light & truth for me through the Christian journey & community.

But through this all - there's a darkness, evil, negative energy that grasps my heart. Sometimes I experience it through fights with my spouse. Sometimes it's through tsunamis or wars, sometimes through depression or hopelessness, sometimes violence, sometimes politics, sometimes simply because someone doesn't speak their truth.

I didn't marry a person full of hate - I married a person full of love and hope and trust. But he also recognizes the bleakness and darkness present in our world and in our individual selves. I don't know how to face that darkness, how to label it, how to challenge it. I don't know how to push it back, to let in a little more light.

But as I write these lines, I'm reminded of so many images from songs & poems & scripture passages about the dominant qualities of light & truth & beauty. Even the smallest candle flame will dispel darkness in a large room.

Even though it's not my sinful human tendency, I hope to light a candle in every dark corner I find. The image of a candlelight Good Friday service comes to mind, or a candlelight vigil comes to mind - light spreads too. Darkness isn't the only thing.

Don't let Satan "whooph" it out - I'm gonna let it shine.