Something's going on and I can't figure it out. I'm having a very "Anne Lamott" time in life right now...so I'm trying to experience it through her humor & faith by listening. Maybe I'll even write stuff out and stick my note in my "God Box" or my glove box for the gnomes. If you don't know what I'm talking about you need to read Traveling Mercies, Plan B, and/or Grace Eventually.
But I notice that I keep trying to escape. With every moment I'm turning to distractions: movies, internet (especially Facebook), chocolate, coffee, wine or beer...all sorts of junk and busyness that I can easily justify but are only healthy in moderation if at all. I don't know where this is going to get me (or even if I'll post it at all...it's more of a journalistic "thinking as I write it out" kind of cathartic experiment) and I'm feeling the gravitational pull toward chocolate and a drink, but I'm going to go with it for a bit. Even though I should be planning/prepping dinner. But that's another symptom...I'm avoiding all my "normal," practical responsibilities too. I'm definitely trying to work something out. If only I could figure out what it is...
I'm reevaluating many of my assumptions and expectations, especially about houses. My soul is crying out for a little less pushing & hurrying, a little more space & time. I'm realizing that since moving back to Grand Rapids I've been more or less trying to recreate for my children the life I lived as a child in Grand Rapids. I had a great childhood, so this isn't a bad thing. However, I've failed myself in terms of really checking in and making sure it's what I truly WANT for the next phase of life. Do I want to re-live the last 30 years, but as the adult this time? I'm not sure. Ack - it just hit me - am I having a midlife crisis? Perhaps. But I feel that it's more of a realization that I could GET TO crisis if I don't slow down & check in before making a rushed & less honest decision.
I need some chickens. Or a goat. Definitely a compost pile and a place to grow things. A corner of property that's truly wild and beckons to me and the kiddos to explore, because there truly are things there to discover and NOT just manicured lawn. I don't actually want farm animals personally, but I'd like it if I had some neighbors who did. I'd like farms or open fields or forest (or desert?!) to be much closer to my home than malls & office buildings.
There are several things I love about being in a larger city again, but there's a spirit of wildness in me that cries for space. I may not literally need to live in a more rural place in order to feel peacefully at home here, but I'm going to explore that option.
What else might I be stuck about though? And how do I discover it? Must I fast from all my distractions?
But I notice that I keep trying to escape. With every moment I'm turning to distractions: movies, internet (especially Facebook), chocolate, coffee, wine or beer...all sorts of junk and busyness that I can easily justify but are only healthy in moderation if at all. I don't know where this is going to get me (or even if I'll post it at all...it's more of a journalistic "thinking as I write it out" kind of cathartic experiment) and I'm feeling the gravitational pull toward chocolate and a drink, but I'm going to go with it for a bit. Even though I should be planning/prepping dinner. But that's another symptom...I'm avoiding all my "normal," practical responsibilities too. I'm definitely trying to work something out. If only I could figure out what it is...
I'm reevaluating many of my assumptions and expectations, especially about houses. My soul is crying out for a little less pushing & hurrying, a little more space & time. I'm realizing that since moving back to Grand Rapids I've been more or less trying to recreate for my children the life I lived as a child in Grand Rapids. I had a great childhood, so this isn't a bad thing. However, I've failed myself in terms of really checking in and making sure it's what I truly WANT for the next phase of life. Do I want to re-live the last 30 years, but as the adult this time? I'm not sure. Ack - it just hit me - am I having a midlife crisis? Perhaps. But I feel that it's more of a realization that I could GET TO crisis if I don't slow down & check in before making a rushed & less honest decision.
I need some chickens. Or a goat. Definitely a compost pile and a place to grow things. A corner of property that's truly wild and beckons to me and the kiddos to explore, because there truly are things there to discover and NOT just manicured lawn. I don't actually want farm animals personally, but I'd like it if I had some neighbors who did. I'd like farms or open fields or forest (or desert?!) to be much closer to my home than malls & office buildings.
There are several things I love about being in a larger city again, but there's a spirit of wildness in me that cries for space. I may not literally need to live in a more rural place in order to feel peacefully at home here, but I'm going to explore that option.
What else might I be stuck about though? And how do I discover it? Must I fast from all my distractions?
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