Happy Day

Happy 35th Anniversary to my parents - Liz & Gerry Rozeboom. This photo is from February when they came to visit, sing at Simon's baptism, and help us do a complete makeover on our den/guest room/office. Today, in 1972, these two tied the knot up in Grand Rapids, MI.

Maybe it sounds corny or trite, but I have to say that these are some truly amazing people. I have never for a minute doubted that they were completely in love with and committed to each other. I have never had to pause and question whether or not their faith in God was sincere. Everything about who they are and how they live is a testimony to the love that is possible between two people - a love that comes from God and flows out through people, a love that transforms strangers into a family of depth, trust, faith & love.

In a nation with a divorce rate of over 40% (statistics vary...?) I think it's amazing that for 35 years, three children & three grandchildren (so far!) they have never wavered in their commitment to each other and their marriage. Thanks, mom & dad, and Congrats!

Memorial Day, Observed

Do you ever have those self-reflective moments when you realize that you're a responsible adult? Sometimes it's easy for me to forget these things.

I have a few close friends who are single, and every now & then (depending on the conversation) I am blatantly reminded of how completely different our lives are. Being married (5 1/2 years), owning a home (paying mortgage), and having a child (1 1/2 already!) are sometimes simply a list of facts about me, and sometimes a shocking reality. I'm not just the same Bethany I was when I was 20 and single, only with a guy in my bed, a kid in the next room, and a home. These things have changed me, my perspective, my values, my priorities.

How did I get here?

And tonight was another one of those self-reflective moments. My husband & I were discussing when we might want to start trying for a second child, when to start sending Simon to school (or the toddler program at the local Montessori school), and various other details about our future careers, education, moves, and other adult "conquests." I paused & looked at him.

Do you realize what we're talking about?

But then we went & played frisbee in a park & ate ice cream like any other kids.

Simon Gerard

FYI - I set up a blog for my kiddo. Now you can virtually watch him grow up and learn things and do silly tricks. Well, sorta. Look for "Simon Gerard" on my list of Worthy Stops.

"I'm Feeling Lucky"

Why is this the catch-phrase-of-the-age? What brain at the inception of Google-ese decided that this phrase meant "I'd like to let the "brains" of Google attempt to think for me"?

Every time I get on the Google homepage, I have two button options below the search bar: Google Search, or I'm Feeling Lucky. I also use Picasa2, which is a free Google program, for picture storing/editing/etc. When I view a picture in Picasa2 and look at my "Basic Fixes" for photo editing, I have "Crop" and "Redeye" and the like, and one of the 6 instant fix options, is "I'm Feeling Lucky."

What does it mean to be lucky, to feel lucky, to experience luck? I looked it up on Wikipedia, and found a smattering of thoughts on that. Lack of control, fallacy, an essence, a placebo - all things in the Wikipedia article. My Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary has, as the first definition of luck; "a force that brings good fortune or adversity."

If the word "luck" doesn't necessarily mean "good luck," but could just as easily mean "bad luck," then do I want to hit the "feeling lucky" buttons? Not so much.

If, when I click the "feeling lucky" button, I'm simply inviting a force that might just as well bring adversity than good fortune, I might re-think it.

Granted, photo editing and internet searching are hardly significant in the sense of what adversity I might find. Sometimes I'm "feeling lucky" as I attempt to edit a photo, and it only distorts the colors & contrast, thus inspiring me to hit "undo I'm Feeling Lucky" and edit it myself. Not what I would consider "adverse." Not helpful, perhaps, but not adverse.

It does make me think, though, about word assumptions & implications. If someone says, "wish me luck!" I doubt he or she means it as such. Rather, "wish me good luck" might be more apt.

But I guess "I'm Feeling Good Lucky" doesn't have quite as nice a ring to it.

I Will Not Apologize For My Decision

I made a decision!

It's silly for me to think that that statement (or that reality) is something worth exclaiming, much less that it warrants acknowledgement, validation or celebration from anyone else. But I feel like, at least this time, it was a really big deal for me to make this decision.

And I feel happy about it. At peace. :) And even though it was a hard decision, I will NOT apologize for my choice, because I know that I'm doing what I most need to do - I'm choosing the option that best serves me, my family, and the organizations I'm involved in (or might like to be.)

This blog post serves as my virtual self-pat-on-the-back. More details later. Wahoo!

Discernment is a Doozy

Another big decision is before me.

I have all these great "tools" to help me make decisions, and I get supportive guidance from various mentors in my life, and yet every time I have a decision before me I find myself asking the same questions.

How do I know what to do?

I've been on our Co-op's Board of Directors for almost 3 years now, this third year as Board President. My term is ending this fall, and I have to decide whether or not to run for election again. But there are so many factors...other organizations and informal involvements I'd like to commit more time & energy to, my spouse & son, as well as a possible 2nd pregnancy in the not-too-incredibly-distant future. I currently feel like I'm pretty much at capacity with regard to commitments and obligations. I am tempted by the possibility of a situation where I'm NOT at capacity, and maybe have more to give in other places.

It's the question of my gifts & talents & passions, and who most needs them? My spouse & child, first of all. And then who? And what do I need to do to feel inspired & passionate & proactively, effectively busy while avoiding stress and over-taxed energy?

Every time I sit & weigh my options, I change my mind again. Just when I think I'm sure I know what I want/need to do, something switches again.

When I talked to Amy this morning again, I heard her effectively saying that she is sort of clinging to something and maybe not for great reasons. I said something about how hard it is to close one door without knowing what the next one will be to open, or when it will happen, but that sometimes you have to leave the first thing before the next thing can open to you. Why don't I take my own advice? Maybe I should just allow this door to gracefully close, and then see what God has in store for me next.

Maybe I'll be president of our local PFLAG, or at least get more actively involved. Maybe I'll join the revitalization committee for our church. Maybe I'll add more hours to my part-time job. Maybe I'll spend more deliberate time with my spouse and my son, and nurture those family relationships since they've been strained by busyness lately. Maybe I'll get pregnant again. Maybe I'll spend lots of time & energy in preparation for seminary - by doing some preliminary reading & writing & meditation & praying.

Maybe I could just let go of my need to fill my agenda, and let doors open or paths unfold at the will and in the timing of the Lord.

This is what I watched all day on Saturday. I was working at the Curious Kumquat, which is located where Bullard and College meet. From behind the register I can pretty much look straight down Bullard, and all day different groups of cyclists flew by. The above picture was during the Men's Pro, because by the time they were racing I had been relieved by another employee and was able to head out to the front lawn of the store for some photos. Another exciting event for our little town, now done. Blues Fest is less than a month away!

I Want To Ride My Bicycle I Want To Ride It Where I Like

This week is a busy one in our small town - it's the Tour of the Gila bicycle race. I'll have more to say after today when everything is finished and the cyclists all leave town...but it's been fun and intense energy here this week. We volunteered to host a cyclist, so we have a woman from Denver staying with us. She's in the Women's Pro 1 category - which is the highest. It's been a treat to learn from her about the race from the inside.

More later...

Cinco de Mayo

Sometimes I find myself too cynical and disappointed by the state of humanity. Days like today, where I have the genuine privilege of working for my dear friends at the Curious Kumquat, restore my faith, hope and love for humankind.

No more work tonight...

I wish logic worked on stress. I feel physically almost ill from stress tonight, and yet I've got most of my work done already. I tried to talk myself out of feeling the stress, but it didn't work. Silly, really. Stress feeds off itself, and eats up all my happy & relaxed feelings. Is stress an imposition of the devil too? Sheesh.


Romans 8
³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Won't You Light My Candle?

How come it seems like the shitty things always dominate the lovely things?

We have this silly deck of "conversation cards" - just barely a step up from "conversation hearts" (aka candy hearts) - and periodically if we're hanging out for a night & not actively engaged we'll flip a card & see what discussion it prompts. A month ago or so my husband got a card that asked "Which is stronger: Love or Hate?" His answer surprised me - "hate," he said.

At first I flipped out (inside only, of course) when I realized that I'd married a hateful and cynical man-who-didn't-really-believe-in-the-power-of-love-and-obviously-didn't-really-love-me-and-
he-probably-didn't-even-love-God-or-really-care-about-anything-at-all....

So, like any sane person would in my situation (being married to a toxic man full of hate as I clearly am), I looked up at him and said kindly - as I've been taught through multiple intentional listening workshops & seminars - "I hear you saying that you think hate is stronger than love. Is there more?"

Of course there was more.

Look at the world. Look at how many people act destructively because of hate. How much hate does it take to fight with a person? How much love does it take to overcome it? Look at all the wars & violence and the way we objectify people who are somehow "other" than ourselves. The lovers of the world have, and have always had, an uphill battle.

I haven't been online much in about a week. During that week, a lot happened (or was realized) in the lives of many friends. When I visited all my bookmarked blogs, I read over & again the same message: "Life is hard, I'm struggling, and it's easy to forget that God's present, capable & willing to be with me in this. Yet I'm practicing living my faith by re-learning how to trust God and accept grace."

So my initial question again, framed slightly differently: Why is it often so easy to see & feel & focus on the negative energies surrounding us, and so difficult to see & feel & focus on the positive energies surrounding us? Why is it always a "slippery slope" into bad things, and an uphill one-step-at-a-time climb for the good? Why does evil so effectively poison the faithful?

I had the opportunity to see my sister while I was up in western Washington state this past weekend. She told me about how their home had been broken into a few weeks ago while no one was home, and some things were stolen. As she spoke with me about it, she seemed impressively matter-of-fact, and not fearful. She said that she & her husband really see this as an imposition of the devil in their lives. Recognizing the devil's plan to instill fear and to make them feel unsafe, she said that their response instead is to firmly trust in God instead of allowing fear to take over.

This response amazed & impressed me. Like my friend Amy who prayed, regarding the Virginia Tech shootings, that GREAT beauty will be multiplied from the great tragedy.

When we first moved here to Silver City, we partially used our new locale as an escape from our Christian cultures and we welcomed the opportunity to disengage from our disillusionment. Most of our friends the first year or two were pagan, and we reveled in this new way to engage the Divine. Paganism & Goddess worship are so full of beauty & love...there was no talk of sin or evil or the devil. I loved it. I remember thinking that pagans are the only ones who really have it right - and when I researched Wicca I learned that Wiccans distinctly claim acceptance of all religious paths.

Then I started realizing that even pagans are victims of evil. They generally call it "negative energy," and sometimes I think that's better language than the Christian language of evil/Satan. Just because Christians have language and a personification of evil it doesn't mean they necessarily focus more on it than any others.

A little over a year ago I began to re-engage the Divine through the person of Jesus. About half as long ago I realized that it would be inaccurate to call myself anything but Christian. My heart & soul respond to Jesus, and there is hope & light & truth for me through the Christian journey & community.

But through this all - there's a darkness, evil, negative energy that grasps my heart. Sometimes I experience it through fights with my spouse. Sometimes it's through tsunamis or wars, sometimes through depression or hopelessness, sometimes violence, sometimes politics, sometimes simply because someone doesn't speak their truth.

I didn't marry a person full of hate - I married a person full of love and hope and trust. But he also recognizes the bleakness and darkness present in our world and in our individual selves. I don't know how to face that darkness, how to label it, how to challenge it. I don't know how to push it back, to let in a little more light.

But as I write these lines, I'm reminded of so many images from songs & poems & scripture passages about the dominant qualities of light & truth & beauty. Even the smallest candle flame will dispel darkness in a large room.

Even though it's not my sinful human tendency, I hope to light a candle in every dark corner I find. The image of a candlelight Good Friday service comes to mind, or a candlelight vigil comes to mind - light spreads too. Darkness isn't the only thing.

Don't let Satan "whooph" it out - I'm gonna let it shine.