3,500 Miles Away...What Would You Change if You Could?

I'm leaving in the morning for effectively 4 days. Tomorrow is a travel day, Saturday is a Co-op Conference in Seattle WA, Sunday I get to spend with my sister & brother-in-law & twin baby nieces up in Burlington WA, and then Monday is travel again. Adam arranged his work schedule to take off Friday and Monday so he could be full-time dad for four days. Yup - I'm going alone.

I've never been away from Simon for more than about 10 hours in one stretch - and never overnight. I didn't realize how hard it would be.

I recently borrowed the trilogy of His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman from a friend. In these books there are different worlds, and in many of the worlds people have daemons. The daemons are animals, but also part of the soul of the human. They are intimately connected, and if a human dies, his or her daemon dies almost instantly as well. When a human and a daemon are forcibly separated, or severed, each feels a deep physical pain that doesn't lessen with time. They aren't whole without each other.

In one scene of the final book, a character has to leave her daemon on shore while she boards a boat to travel to another world. The description of the pain and sorrow is heartwrenching.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to get in my car and drive to El Paso, and then to fly to Seattle. Leaving my child, a part of my soul, here at home. I'm a mess already tonight - when Adam took Simon to put him to bed I felt like I was never going to see him again. I don't know how I'll find the strength to drive away, while Simon & Adam wave from the porch.

I feel broken. Incomplete.

New Family Member

We just acquired a canoe. It's brand new - only used once - and has two paddles & two life jackets, also brand new. It's all in our basement right now.

Why do we need a canoe if we live in the high mountain desert, you may ask? Good question, actually. There are a few lakes we could drive to & paddle around & picnic at, and we might. Or we might just store it till we move back to the midwest in a few years where there are rivers & lakes with water in them all over the place. (Sort of a novel idea, b/c we have arroyos here...aka, rivers with no water. And our lakes are pretty much all manmade and/or dammed, and small.)

The amazing thing about the canoe isn't so much that we have one now, but how we happened to receive it.

We received a call from a lesbian friend of ours yesterday afternoon. We know Gale through our local PFLAG involvement and she also goes to the same church we do. We happen to run into her at almost every music/arts event that occurs, but that's not uncommon in our small town.

Gale received the canoe from some (wealthy) friends who decided they wouldn't use it, and they encouraged her to pass it on to a gay or lesbian couple she thought would enjoy it. The first family she thought of who would enjoy it was ours.

"Thanks for thinking of us even though we're not gay," my husband said to her with a smile as they unloaded it from the roof of her car. Evidently Gale's response was something about how we do so much for the lgbtq community that it was effectively the same, and that she felt she was passing it on to part of the family anyway. Also, she thought our little Simon would have fun in it. Everyone loves Simon. :)

How cool is that. And Gale's got another canoe (her own), so we're thinking maybe we'll borrow hers & go on a Sunday canoe picnic with some gay friends to share the fun within the family. And I wonder if we could get a trailer for it, and pull it in the 4th of July parade for PFLAG or something. That would be fun...a rainbow decorated canoe? I'm not sure what the parade theme is this year, but maybe we could make it work.

What a lovely & generous family we are part of here in our little town.

The Way to a Man's Heart and a Woman's Gag Reflex

My husband just came home and started looking for a plan for dinner. He stepped into the doorway of the room I'm in, and said this:

Okay – are you ready for this suggestion? We take frozen ground beef & brown it. You can’t make patties out of it, but you can brown it from a frozen state. Then we take elbow macaroni & cook a bunch of that up because we have a bunch of those noodles. Then we open a can of tuna fish – wait, hang on – and drain it and mix it in with the ground beef. Throw the macaroni noodles in, take that can of Campbells creamy chicken verde soup that we’ve had in the cupboard for a while & dump it over the whole thing & and heat it up. Then we grate a bunch of cheese over the whole thing and then take the whole mixture & roll it up in naan like burritos. I bet that would be really good. I might put black olives on mine. And you could have a beer with that, because I think that would be really good. We’ve got, like, three different kinds of cheese.

I don't know whether to be grateful for his creativity or to puke. I told him he can make that for himself & Simon in a few years when I'm away for a weekend, and have wonderful bachelor bonding time. I'm going to go help him find something that we'll both eat now.

Sincerity, Solidarity, and Freedom to Feel

I keep thinking about the Virginia Tech shootings & vacillating about whether or not to write anything. I spoke with my friend Tyler today about it...and he helped me feel validated about my flip-flopping emotions. I'm not going to try to theorize or analyze anything about the shootings, but I'm going to write through some of my totterings.

One of my former roommates and dearest friends, Amy, is a grad student at Virginia Tech. When I first saw the news report my stomach plummeted and I genuinely feared for her life. I had been on the phone with my spouse as I got online that day, and when I saw the headlines I abruptly hung up on him to call my friend. To my relief, Amy answered the phone almost immediately. We were able to talk for a long time, and her unshakable faith and groundedness served to assure me immeasurably.

Thinking for 30 seconds or so, prior to her answering the phone, that my dear friend might be in danger or hurt or gone from me forever in this life...it affected me more deeply than I initially realized.


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It's a little more difficult than I thought it would be to move beyond that thought. When Tyler called tonight to check in with me, I didn't initially realize I needed checking in with. But it's really impossible to remain unaffected when something strikes so close to home. Tyler validated my feelings, and reminded me that it's okay to be affected by something that hits close. Not only do I have a dear friend there at Virginia Tech, but I plan to be a student again soon, so I could see myself in the situation. It would be strange to remain unaffected when confronted with imminent mortality – of self or a dear friend.

When I was journaling about this last night I realized that it might be selfish of me to feel such relief at knowing that Amy was unaffected. Her individual life is worth more to me than 33+ anonymous lives, and I feel a little guilty about my ego-centrism, but it doesn’t serve me well to be dishonest with myself. When I talked to Tyler tonight we spoke of this too...we can feel deeply about the people dying of AIDS and hunger and violence all over the world, but until it strikes close to home we still maintain – and must maintain – some distance. If we truly grieve for every unjust death in the world, we'd never get off the floor.

That's something I never understood about Buddhism, and bodhisattvas in particular. If a person feels for every sentient thing, wouldn't she or he always be in the depths? Wouldn't you find it impossible to get up and face the world day after day? The tragedy would kill you...so to speak. I guess we have to move on to the second noble truth to answer it - let go of attachment. I'm digressing into territory I don't know enough about to justify my digression, but I didn't make any promises of clarity.

With all the media & emotional reactions to the VT shootings, I'm reminded time & again of the 9-11 attacks. In the week of initial reactions to 9-11 everyone suddenly had American flags and mourned in solidarity with the victims & their families. Suddenly it wasn't patriotic to keep going with life and remain unaffected - the expectation was that our whole country was deeply wounded, and we couldn't just pick up and move on.

Personally, I didn't even know what the twin towers were before 9-11. My family traveled a lot across the continental states, but we never went to New York. It's always been a little intimidating to me - almost a foreign country. When I heard about the 9-11 attacks, I was affected only slightly. As the story unfolded and I heard more & more about the horror, and saw images replayed time & again, it hit me harder. Still, though, it wasn't something I felt in my heart & soul. Unlike this. Because it hit close to home.

The flip side of my emotional reaction, for 9-11 as well as this week’s VT shootings, is that I'm rather annoyed. I was horrified from the first moment I saw the news, but now it seems like the "hype" about the tragedy has become its own energetic movement. (NOTE: This is different from being annoyed at the tragedy itself. The tragedy is a tragedy, not something with which to be annoyed.) Suddenly everyone is changing their MySpace & Facebook profile pictures to black ribbons with "VT" scrawled across them. How many of those people actually are connected to it? Amy is one such person, and it seems completely appropriate for her to post a black ribbon & her school initials in solidarity - and also as part of her personal & spiritual acknowledgement & process. But what about the people who are across the country, or who don't know anyone at Virginia Tech, or who aren't even in college? Has "solidarity" with the VT community become a hyped-up sensational reaction? Like patriotism & waving an American flag after 9-11, is it now a "requirement" to be a Hokie? Are we automatically labeled "un-American" if we don't wear maroon & orange?

My intention is in no way to judge or condemn people for their external reactions. Everyone's sincere response is legitimate - regardless of how much "sense" it makes. I believe that someone in New Mexico with no ties to Virginia Tech (or who didn't even know VT existed prior to April 16^th, 2007) can experience genuine solidarity for the tragedy. My primary interest lies with the social & energetic movement that begins in response to a momentous event such as this. I am curious about the life & vitality of the movement itself, and I also wonder how, within that movement, we ‘live and move and have our being.’ It’s similar to mob mentality, wherein there’s a kind of “group-mind” overpowering any particular individual’s mindset. Do we become less individually authentic when we are caught up in a movement, or is the whole greater than the sum of its parts and we’re more authentic when we are united in solidarity?

Another angle that troubles me is in the political realm. Maybe I've read too much, or been let down to often when people have appeared sincere, but the cynical, rational and emotionally detached portion of my brain also wonders "who profits from the hype?" (NOTE: This is very different from wondering who profits from the tragedy. I’m not a conspiracy theorist and I’m not interested in exploring the motives & process of someone causing such horror.) I've read a few articles about George W. Bush's reaction, remarks and presence at VT's memorial convocation. Some of the articles were not too subtle about the politics involved in a presidential reaction to a momentous event. In a FOX News article it said upcoming presidential candidates are displaying messages of condolences on their campaign Web sites. In a CNN article it said how important a presidential reaction (or lack thereof) can be. Credit was given for Bush's reaction to 9-11 and to Clinton's reaction to the Oklahoma City bombing. Criticism was strong for Bush with regard to his "sluggish response" to Hurricane Katrina. These things are what can make or break a political re-election campaign.

Is it legitimate or respectable for a president or presidential hopeful to take a horrific event and allow it to become a political platform? Is there a way to gauge sincerity of expression? I genuinely have no idea.

In subsequent conversations with Amy, Tyler, and also with my spouse, we came to a conclusion of sorts: It can't be any other way. Part of the scary thing about our country is also part of what makes it wonderful - we can't damn people for their thoughts or their feelings. No person can be arrested for thinking about doing something violent, and while it ties the hands of the authorities to prevent it, is there another alternative?

I'm a Christian, so this line of thinking brings up thoughts of "sins" in the Bible - and the 10 Commandments. What do I make of words like "You shall not covet...?" Doesn't that speak to thoughts & feelings, not actions? Perhaps it's lost in translation to me, but this is sticky terrain. Perhaps the sticky part about it is simply when people empower themselves to judge another’s thoughts & feelings instead of leaving it up to the Divine Omnipotence. Whether from a religious or a political angle, there's not a whole lot anyone can do about the way someone else is thinking or feeling.

No one has the authority to lock up potentially dangerous people before they are actually guilty of doing anything.
No one has the authority to stop a person from portraying insincere solidarity for an ulterior motive.
No one has the authority to judge another person's thoughts, feelings or desires and claim to know that he or she is "saved to heaven" or "damned to hell."

If prevention is unavoidable then the important thing becomes the response. Amy stated it about as earnestly as possible: by “praying that GREAT beauty will be multiplied from this great tragedy.”

I think that’s about as perfect a prayer as I could hope to come up with.

Gotta Love the Package Man

Earlier today I was out running errands with my son, Simon. I usually try to come up with a few things I can do at once, so I'm not making a trip for just one thing. It's beautiful today - 70+ and sunny - so I tried to make the most of the lovely day. I carried him in his sling, as usual, and I typically park just once. In this case, I parked centrally in the sprawling parking lot near Albertson's, Movie Gallery, and Beall's Department Store. I walked to Albertson's without a hitch, but as I passed by my car to drop off my Liquid PlumR en route to my next stop, a UPS driver almost hit me.

Well, not exactly. But he drove diagonally across a line of vacant parking places, accelerated slightly and then hit the brakes before jumping into the legitimate driving lane (which is also a legitimate pedestrian lane, where I happened to be) between rows of cars. As he braked, he waved at me. What does this mean? "Hello, I'm going to run you over now?" "I see you and I'm bigger than you?" I know it was an acknowledgement that he was, in fact, NOT going to hit me, but it seemed like a peculiar gesture.

I kind of felt like a small animal being waved at by a hunter. "I'm choosing to let you live..."

Imaginative Shock and the Value Therein

I've had a blank screen in front of me on & off for about 45 minutes. I keep editing things on my profile and reading the news through various online sources as stalling techniques. I think I'm stressing myself out about starting a new blog.

It's kind of like the first day of school, when I want to make sure I wear the right thing and have all my books in order. I don't know that I actually am afraid of making a bad impression, but I do like to make an impression that leaves others feeling positive. I tend to err on the side of over-analyzing, especially when I know little or nothing is expected of me.

My parents have often "accused" me of utilizing a shock-value tactic with them. They're probably right, although I'll rarely admit it as such. I've been instructed over and again to take criticism seriously and to look closely at anything that offends me to see what truth I can find in it. The truth in my utilization of shock-value includes, but is not limited to, the following:

• I generally prefer to blend in and remain relatively invisible. I'm an introvert by nature.
• I am typically mortified when I find myself highly visible without my deliberate intention to be so. I don't respond well to being suddenly thrust in a spotlight - even if it's something as simple as being asked to pray at the end of Bible study.
  
• I periodically feel inspired by something to the point that I'm willing to jump into the spotlight for it. The action I take as a result of inspiration often has the effect of shocking others.
  

The dilemma I run into with this is multi-faceted. I enjoy making a strong impression, especially when I know little is expected, but then it creates stress for me when I can't manifest inspiration. When I'm not inspired by a specific idea and yet I want to move forward, I tend to paralyze myself by demanding inspired perfection. Sometimes I begin something through inspiration, but the wind changes and I've set myself up for disappointment.

I find it comical that this is what I ended up writing about. Just an hour ago I was reading from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and I copied down the following quote in my journal for further reflection:

Immediate response is the mood of the kingdom. Imaginative shock issues an invitation which leads to decision and action.... Our indecision creates more problems than it solves. Indecision means we stop growing for an indeterminate length of time; we get stuck.

This quote, in turn, calls to mind another I recently encountered.

Every moment of one's existence, one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit. – Norman Mailer

By shuffling my virtual feet and waiting to be inspired in such a way that I create perfection, in actuality I am permitting myself to stop growing. I am dying a little bit.

Here's to life and growth! I henceforth invoke and welcome "imaginative shock" so that I might be moved to decision, action, and life in my existence.