Imaginative Shock and the Value Therein

I've had a blank screen in front of me on & off for about 45 minutes. I keep editing things on my profile and reading the news through various online sources as stalling techniques. I think I'm stressing myself out about starting a new blog.

It's kind of like the first day of school, when I want to make sure I wear the right thing and have all my books in order. I don't know that I actually am afraid of making a bad impression, but I do like to make an impression that leaves others feeling positive. I tend to err on the side of over-analyzing, especially when I know little or nothing is expected of me.

My parents have often "accused" me of utilizing a shock-value tactic with them. They're probably right, although I'll rarely admit it as such. I've been instructed over and again to take criticism seriously and to look closely at anything that offends me to see what truth I can find in it. The truth in my utilization of shock-value includes, but is not limited to, the following:

• I generally prefer to blend in and remain relatively invisible. I'm an introvert by nature.
• I am typically mortified when I find myself highly visible without my deliberate intention to be so. I don't respond well to being suddenly thrust in a spotlight - even if it's something as simple as being asked to pray at the end of Bible study.
  
• I periodically feel inspired by something to the point that I'm willing to jump into the spotlight for it. The action I take as a result of inspiration often has the effect of shocking others.
  

The dilemma I run into with this is multi-faceted. I enjoy making a strong impression, especially when I know little is expected, but then it creates stress for me when I can't manifest inspiration. When I'm not inspired by a specific idea and yet I want to move forward, I tend to paralyze myself by demanding inspired perfection. Sometimes I begin something through inspiration, but the wind changes and I've set myself up for disappointment.

I find it comical that this is what I ended up writing about. Just an hour ago I was reading from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and I copied down the following quote in my journal for further reflection:

Immediate response is the mood of the kingdom. Imaginative shock issues an invitation which leads to decision and action.... Our indecision creates more problems than it solves. Indecision means we stop growing for an indeterminate length of time; we get stuck.

This quote, in turn, calls to mind another I recently encountered.

Every moment of one's existence, one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit. – Norman Mailer

By shuffling my virtual feet and waiting to be inspired in such a way that I create perfection, in actuality I am permitting myself to stop growing. I am dying a little bit.

Here's to life and growth! I henceforth invoke and welcome "imaginative shock" so that I might be moved to decision, action, and life in my existence.