Other than Self

Sometimes I'm deeply aware of all the things I'm not, all the places I don't live, all the experiences I'll never have. I say this not in a depressed or defeated spirit, but simply with some clarity about who I am and the choices I've made. There's a song I know: "There's a road that I can not go down/choosing one path leaves the other out/there's a road, there's a way/there's a road to a better day and/the road less traveled I'll be on." I think this is why I so often fall prey to indecisiveness; not everything can be "both/and," so I end up having to eliminate an option by choosing a different one.

This past weekend I watched two more movies out of India and we also went to a local theater production at an amazing outdoor venue. The play was Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream," which is trance- and dream-like in effect. I felt altered - into a different place, time, and self.

I'll never be Indian. I'll never look or sing or dance like the beautiful Bollywood actresses. I'll never act as well as the folks involved with the local Virus theater.

In fact, I'll never have a different past. I'll never be able to experience a different version of growing up. I cannot and will not ever be native to a different place than Grand Rapids, MI USA.

Obviously, as much of this has to do with my choice as my circumstance. I potentially could act and do it well, but I don't choose to spend my energy there, so I won't.

Watching these things reinforce the finiteness of my personhood & experience and serve to make me aware of the choices I've made, thus limiting my life in a way I desire. I'm reminded of the things in life I'm grateful for, and have chosen in good faith.

This is such a stereotypical "coming of age" sort of realization, and I'm almost a little impatient with myself for thinking that it's worthy of a blog entry. You all know it's nothing new, and yet every time someone becomes just a little more aware - a little more conscious of self - it is akin to lighting one more candle. The collective brightness of attentiveness isn't trivial.